"Be happy! Just let yourself enjoy this evening." my friend Courtney exclaimed as we drove to the airport. "You get to see your best friends tonight and we get to hang out for two hours. Just enjoy it." What am I doing? I thought, I mean seriously! I should be bouncing off the walls at this point, but instead I'm feeling depressed. Why? In my heart I knew exactly why.
Over the last few weeks God had brought up many topics in my life that I needed to address. But now, the gaping wounds of my heart were pretty much healed, and my life at the present was wonderful. I had won so many victories, yet I didn't feel like rejoicing. I felt sick of myself, a typical "Who I Am Hates Who I've Been" moment. I didn't feel loved and I wasn't happy at all.
Courtney looked over at me from the driver's seat as I finished explaining why I felt the way I did. "Tes," she said, "I can't possibly say it any other way, I love you, all your little quirks included and I've told you that and demonstrated that." I turned my head and met my adopted sister's gaze. There was genuine care and love in that look. I felt as if God had come down and shined through her just to tell me He loved me. A memory of one of my oldest friends then surfaced. We were both learning how to play guitar, and I was tuning hers. She smiled at me and said in an announcer voice, "Tessa, the world famous guitarist." Reader, I could barely play a single chord, yet she had lifted me up and told me she believed in me. As my mind snapped back into reality, the love that both these girls had shown me, was enough to lift my heart from the rut it had strayed into. For the first time, I accepted the love God had given me in these girls. My heart instantly felt lighter and my mind was able to escape out of this "swamp of sadness" I had strayed into.
God tells us that He loves us all the time. He gave up His only son to DIE for us and every day He is trying to get our attention, and show us how much He cares. Yet, do we really believe Him? I realized last night that I didn't. I had heard Him say time and time again how much He loved me, quirks included. However, I had never really truly excepted that love for what it is. I had never opened my heart and let Him in. As He stood knocking on the door, I had only listened. BUT, when I finally decide to take the love He offered, and let Him hold my heart, the most amazing thing happened. Suddenly, the problems I faced didn't seem so big. The relationships I was in didn't seem so complex. And that night didn't seem so dark. I remember looking out the window and seeing all the wonderful stars. I glanced across the car at my friend and smiled. She was one star in my life. I thought of my friends that I was about to see at the airport, there were two more stars. My mom, my dad, my brother, my sisters, my brothers in-law, my team mates, my teachers, all my other friends, and on and on and on. I had many stars in my life. I just had never looked up and noticed them before.
I encourage you, especially if you are going through a hard season. Look up, see the stars in your life. They might not be huge, but they are stars non the less. And always, always remember, that no matter who you are, you will have a bright and shining moon, guiding your path through this trial. That moon is Jesus, and He will always be with you. You might not always be able to see Him, but He is there. So take heart brave knight. Your morning is coming. But for now, enjoy the stars and walk by faith. :)
Sincerely,
Tessa :)
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